I’m a little over one month away from being out of post-op recovery. The last two months have been so strange for me. I never though I would be able to get through a surgery without my ex-husband but here we are - I’m doing just fine.
A few weeks ago, ex-husband came to the house to get the rest of his belongings out of my room and the front office. The only things left in the house that are his are all in the garage - and its just too damn hot to go through the garage right now. The moment he left with his belonging I sighed in relief.
It wasn’t painful at all. It was like my house was opening up and the light was finally streaming in. I had boyfriend move into the master bedroom with me and that worked out beautifully. We have never in the 10 years we have been together slept in the same bed (maybe like 3 times), and he definitely didn’t have anything of his in my room because thats where ex-husband and I stored all of our things.
I like it. I’m really surprised that I do. I thought originally it was going to hurt me because exhusband’s things were gone and I was going to be sad but that didn’t happen at all. My room is so much more spacious without everything of his being around. Even with Boyfriend moving in to my room its still so much nicer. I have lanterns hanging from my ceiling, I’m going to paint the room black. Hell, if I can get away with it, I would paint the whole house black and get gold frames for my pictures, and niche little bits that bring me happiness everywhere. I can’t wait, to be honest.
I’ve been keeping up with my writing, and so far I have been loving whats been coming from me. It’s been far too long since I’ve had a free flow writing session. I’m going to do another one today after I am done writing this. I’m excited. I finally feel a great weight has been lifted from my entire being. I feel less suffocated.
Before the separation there was a ton of fighting in the house. The kids were driving us all crazy and basically we were struggling to communicate anything. But now….laughter in the halls. Shit talking but in the best way. Our days with Boyfriend, Son and Daughter and myself have now settled into a wonderful routine. Boyfriend - now fiance - wakes me up when he is leaving for work with a kiss and then off to work he goes. Since it is the summer, the children and I wake up whenever we feel like it. We do breakfast, talk about random things, do chores, I get to writing, and we wait impatiently for Fiance to get home. He gets home around 4pm - which is sad according to Daughter because she misses having him around during the day.
His evening routine is wonderful - he comes home, takes a shower, talks with the kids, plays or wrestles or they watch a little tv. Then he goes to smoke a joint or just sit outside for a little bit. The kids of course follow him and play further outside than the porch while he is smoking. I can hear their laughter from my room. They listen to music and talk about everything. Fiance comes in to make dinner and then spend some time with me. We have dinner, we watch a movie and the kids hangout and do pretty much whatever they want (within reason). At the end of the night we give hugs and kisses and the kids feel assured that we aren’t going anywhere. Lights out and we start again tomorrow.
Overall, I am in a much better place than I was even a few months ago. I know I’m healing the way I am supposed to be. Therapy helps and my therapist - we will call her Therapist (clever, I know) - is seriously the best. She went through a very similar situation with her husband at 21 years and I felt comforted by it. Without her I don’t think I would be as good as I am now.
I think I just needed to pull away from everything and everyone and hug my kids and Fiance close. I needed to get rid of the noise and heal in silence. The quiet helped everything calm down. Even the kids are doing better. We hug a lot. Lots of reassurance that Fiance and me won’t leave them. They already had abandonment issues prior to this as they are adopted and are very aware of it. Now, since exhusband is gone, they felt that deeply. Currently they talk to him a couple times a week and see him only when he comes to the house to pick something up. For the most part I allow the kids to have whatever relationship they want with him but there have been moments when my daughter has to have extra space - it helps her feel safe.
Exhusband doesn’t seem too bothered by this so for now this is the plan we have in place.
Other than that I am just writing. Writing and praying for the future I want for my family and me. Nothing else to do about it.
Daughter and Son still demand that when I have the availability I need to find them a step-mom. There is no negotiations. Step-mom or death basically.
Fiance is fine with it lol but I am not even divorced yet so I remind my children we have to go one step at a time. Daughter says that if a step mom should show up to the house she is not taking no for an answer - this should go over well.