My ex-husband was a great man once upon a time. I think thats why when I see him its like I’m looking at two different men at once. I recall writing in my diary the day I woke up and knew in my heart that it was really over. All feeling I had for him was gone. It was weird. Quiet. I looked at my Fiance and realized that he had been patiently waiting for me to get to this point. He knew I had some small sliver of hope, but that one morning that I woke up and knew for sure it was done - it was like a huge weight had been lifted.
It took me 60 days to fall out of love with my ex. And those 60 days I really spent in mourning. I knew I would never go back to him but until that point I still loved him fiercely just as I had promised to do 21 years ago. It was also really sad. I saw what we could’ve had - easily a lifetime of more memories. Of promises that we would keep and laughter we would share. I saw my two men after all that time together really show their love for one another. I saw my kids glowing under the guidance of all three of us. I saw love. And then I took a deep breath and let it all go.
I didn’t even realize I had been crying until Fiance reached over and pulled me into his arms. Even though he asked me what was wrong I think he knew. He could tell by my face.
“Everything is going to be better now. You’ll see. And he will realize one day what he gave up - four people who loved him more than anything else in the world. Four people that just wanted to him love us and bwe a family. But we will be so far gone by then and you will feel stronger. I will never leave you. And I will never cheat on you. There is no excuse for a man to do that I am sorry that he did it to you throughout your marriage.”
Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. The weight of not loving him anymore was so intense all I could do was cry. But I noticed something at that moment too - it didn’t hurt anymore. Sure I was upset he treated us the way he did, but that wasn’t my problem - then or now or ever. He is responsible for his own feelings and how he treats people.
I’d have to say the hardest part about falling out of love with someone you swore the sun revolved around is seeing the images of who they were superimposed on top of the man he is now. The one man I see first is the man he was. And the man standing before me looks like a stranger. It’s amazing what a little fame and a pretty face telling him he’s amazing will do to a man. I had him come by today and showed him the things around the house that we needed to fix immediately. He came in with sarcasm and he was trying to bait my son. My son fell for it and started mouthing off - of course.
I could tell it was going to escalate so I stepped in and sent my son to another room. He didn’t stay there of course but I did tell him to cut it out. I guess it just bothered me that this man goes running whenever his friends came calling and fixed their issues but let our house fall into utter disrepair. He would fix other people’s cars but not mine. He would make me send it to the shop where I know nothing of cars and understood very little of what was going on. When I would report back everything I was told he would get upset because it either didn’t make sense or I was told wrong. Needless to say, the saying is correct, “Mechanics rarely fix their own vehicles.”
Yeah, wish someone would’ve told us that sooner.
Anyway, things got heated and I told him to leave. I will have him removed from everything as soon as possible and then we will be done.
Honestly my energy is too precious to allow that man space in my heart, body, or life. I was reminded of how much I really am loved when he left and I slammed the door and my kids immediately came to my side and hugged me. They don’t like him. They’ve only been talking to him a couple times a week on designated days. The kids don’t want him to die or anything, they just don’t really want this man around at all. And I agree.
Would it makes sense to any other in-the-process-divorcees if I said I wanted him to eat - just not at my table.
The way he messes with Son and almost completely disregards Daughter is laughable. You should’ve gotten caught when they were little douche bag - my kids have excellent memories and they don’t forgive people easily.
It isn’t even about their dads habitual cheating - they remember everything he’s done to us over the last three or four years. I was honestly pretty shocked. Now they don’t think much of him at all and its not like he tries. He calls them (mostly) on his designated days but he never comes to see them or take them to the park or even just to spend time with them. He doesn’t hug them in the few times he has seen them physically over the last 6 months. I tried apologizing to them, reminding them about how much of a good daddy he was when they were little.
I got told to stop. They were so angry with me that I was still trying to get them to have a relationship with him when in their eyes he abandoned them years ago. They were mad that I kept talking nice about a man who did nothing but cheat lie and abandon me at my weakest. It’s hard to have a snappy comeback for that one.
And then my daughter, while I’m crying and talking to my sister on the phone because I am so fucking pissed that he had the audacity to act like that in MY home, just comes over to me and opens her arms. I was sitting in my office chair and just laid my head on her chest. When she put those baby arms around me (she’s a teen but still) I let myself relax for one moment. And in that moment I felt my mother.
Oh how I miss her. I haven’t seen her physically since last September and I miss her in a way I would never be able to articulate. It was just a moment, but it felt real. Like she was here.
My daughter is very emotionally sensitive. She is strong and graceful and brilliant. She is the sneakiest but I love her for it. She tries hard to be good but she does have a hard time telling herself ‘no’. She’s only 14 so I told her she has time to work on it, but that she needs to take it seriously.
I’m calming down. I need to get back to work but I am hot and exhausted. I’ve got another 5 weeks in recovery and I’m starting to move a lot more without pain which is amazing. My surgeon did a great job. My wounds are looking so much better and I only have a few stitches left that haven’t fully dissolved. The glue I am allergic to that they also used to close my wounds is thankfully almost completely gone. I think my body adjusted because its hardly been itchy at all.
I know I am so much stronger without my ex-husband. I’ve stopped making excuses for his behavior and I’ve stopped standing up for him to the kids. I know Fiance was probably grateful I stopped too. He has been a rock star. He doesn’t bad mouth Ex-Husband, he doesn’t tell the kids to turn away from him. He just sits there and quietly listens. He offers some words of encouragement and then he gives hugs. Both to me and to the kids. He still tells them everyday that they are his world and that he will never leave them. “What if you and mommy split up?” and he always tells them, no matter how many times he has had to say it. “Mommy and I will still live together and be a family because you kids are whats important.”
Fiance never wanted to get a nine to five job - and that was his main purpose in our home. He does all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. These past fews years he’s had a hard time too, especially with Ex-Husband pushing him away. He really felt that Ex-Husband was his brother. When Fiance’s youngest brother died last summer, I really thought Ex-Husband was going to be by his side. Nope. He went to the funeral and that was about it. He didn’t talk to Fiance. He didn’t try to comfort him. He just disappeared to play video games and cheat on his wife.
Epic. I know. The house over the last few years was a lot harder to take care of because the kids have been so destructive over the years. And we were just exhausted. My kids require a lot of time and care, like anybody else’s kids, and it was starting to show around the house. We just felt at our lowest becuase it was like we could never catch up. Ex-Husband got frustrated that the house was never clean enough and because he didn’t like to food Fiance was cooking. It was a mess. A fixable, teachable, workable mess but he left for greener pastures I suppose.
But now it’s so different since Ex-Husband left the house. So much less fighting. Even my son is being better behaved. I wish I could take credit for that but I cannot. That was all Fiance. He doesn’t let the fighting go on. He doesn’t respond when Son is having a meltdown. He doesn’t fight fire with fire anymore. He’s just….calm. And that calm has helped me and the kids cope I think. One day at a time.
Ok. I feel a lot better now. I know I have friends that have offerred to come do what Ex-Husband won’t - and I think I’m going to take that last step. Cut that chord keeping me tethered to a man that doesn’t give two shits about me or my kids. I have a wonderful support system that I created when he left and I am happy to see it growing. I will fix this house just me, Fiance, and the kids and I know it’ll be beautiful when we are done with it. I’m still having pain, but thats a part of having Endometriosis. It’ll get better.
It can’t come in waves if you build yourself a boat. And I will NEVER rely solely on a man ever again. Fiance can help, but I’d rather just do it myself. And I will no longer be calling the ex to help a house that he helped let fall to waste. I have found where I lost my dignity and have wrapped that bitch around my neck like the most beautiful of necklaces.
I can do this.